Visit Toronto! Boy, 55 years ago, it was something to see.

 

This circled copy above is on the official page for Toronto’s City Hall.

Its purpose: asking you to have an imagination, dammit!:

“Hey don’t walk away. Honestly I know this building is dull, outdated and boring now. But let me tell you. I promise. This was really a sight to see in the 60s. No really. Hey where are you going….”

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10 funny subtle comparisons

I was thinking of ways to describe someone who walks around punching you in the face with obviousness.  I came up with this list below in which:

He’s as subtle as…

1.  a Crucifix

2. a YouTube comment board

3. an Infomercial

4. slogans against gay marriage

5. CAPS LOCK

6. a Skyscraper

7. Nicotine withdrawal

8. Lady Gaga

9. An exclamation mark!

10. A shark attack

10 funny “He could sell” lines

I recently read a different take on the clichéd line – “He could sell ice to an Inuit*” with “He could sell sawdust to a lumber mill”.

* Politically correct update

I thought, I’d add to the cliché crashing party with examples in two styles, the original – i.e. “Selling someone something they already have” and different – “Selling someone the opposite of what they need”.

 
Original style

 “He could….

 1. Sell plastic surgery to Joan Rivers.

 2. Sell a cape to Superman. 

3. Sell hay to a farmer. 

4. Sell wood to a forest. 

5. Sell religion to the Pope.

 

Different style

 “He could….

 6. Sell underwear to a nudist.

 7. Sell rope to a free climber. 

8. Sell a two-wheeled bike to a unicyclist.

 9. Sell crutches to an Olympic sprinter.

 10. Sell a cage to a lion.

 Bonus.  Sell atheism to a doorstep Jehovah.

5 badly received Oprah premiere surprises

We all know Oprah is flying her studio audience from her season premiere to Australia to celebrate her last season on air.

But what if she didn’t choose Australia? What if her choice whipped her crowd into a different kind of frenzy?

Here’s five alternate Oprah surprises with crowd reaction:

1. Oprah: We’re going to McDonald’s!

Crowd member: Shit. I want a happier meal than that!

2. Oprah: We’re going on a silent retreat to find our spirit!

Crowd member: Koom bye nah.

3. Oprah: We’re going to Barnes and Noble to read Jonathan Franzen’s Freedom cover to cover!

Crowd member: Read this. “N” “O”. Motherfuckin way.

4. Oprah: We’re going to an organic farm to do a celery detox diet!

Crowd member: Aw Hell no!

5. Oprah: We’re going to an exclusive Kenny G concert!

Crowd member: Who’s that? Is he a new rapper?

Confusication

My girlfriend and I went to an Ethiopian festival in the park near our house last week. As we stopped on our walk around one lap of the festival we remarked we were probably one of 5 people who weren’t Ethiopian or at least had a strong connection to the culture.

At that moment, a young couple approached us and started a conversation.

But we were standing near huge speakers, that were playing loud reggae music so I only made out:

“)%*^(&(&…Saviour….&(^(&O@R. ..Jesus…(&*%%*^He’s the ONE”.

Yeah, I thought I knew where this was going. Sure enough after the young guy handed me a religious pamphlet, it was clear.

I thought I’d have a short chat anyway.

He said he was Ethiopian, born into the church and described being religious was like having good news you can’t wait to tell someone.

Fair enough, I understand the feeling of having “good news” you want to tell someone. But, I thought, to feel like that all the time, must be exhausting.

Like being a paperboy without enough houses to deliver to.

He then asked me in a lull between songs:

“Have you tried Ethiopian food”, pointing to the food stands behind him.

I replied just as the music started up again:

“Yes, I have, but I’m by no means a professional”.

Immediately he and the girl he was with looked at me with concern and started apologizing:

“I’m so sorry. The food can be undercooked at these kinds of things. It’s hard to pull off. I’m really sorry”.

I thought it was strange they were suddenly apologizing, but went along with it:

“No worries. That’s okay. I like Ethiopian food.”

After some more stilted conversation we broke off, walked towards the food stands and as soon as we were out of earshot, my girlfriend said:

“Do you know what they think you said to them?”.

“Yeah, what was that about. The apologizing”

“When they asked if you had Ethiopian food. I think they heard:

Yes, but it’s not professional by any means

To recap.

In their minds, I walked into their cultural festival, toured the premises once, slagged off their national food to their face and walked away from them, straight towards the food stands again to do what? – Also tell the people working the food stands their cuisine is unprofessional?

Akward humour: 1            International diplomacy: 0

Doctors and lawyers need practice?

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
I was thinking. Isn’t it a bit troubling that doctors and lawyers refer to their work as a practice?
 
 “Oh boy. I snipped his carotid artery. That’s a gusher. Can you stitch that up Fred and replace the 3 pints he’s left on the floor? That’s embarrassing.

  I’ll start on his kidney surgery once you’re done. Whew, good lesson. Next time I’ll keep my scalpel on the table until I really need it. We’ll get it right next time. 

 How’s that stitch Fred? ”

———————————————————

“Has the defense procured the necessary paperwork  to exonerate the defendant from his charges? If not, you are aware, I will be forced to sentence him.”

 “I knew there was something I had to do before bed last night! No, your honour I don’t have the paperwork. Can I produce it later today?”

 “You know the law, you understand the consequence. I’m sentencing this man to 3 years in minimum security jail”

 (Gavel falls)

 Lawyer speaks to defendant: “My fault. Totally my fault. I was watching the Food network and got mesmerized. I’ll do better next time. I’ll knock the appeal out of the park. In the meantime, can I get a pillow for your cell?”