GQ haiku

Half-naked woman

Scotch, Watch, Shoes, Expensive car

Suit-wearing celeb

– GQ in a Haiku

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Fun with in-flight magazine

Last night I was on a 5 hr flight, and in-between reading my book, thought I’d add my comments to ads and pictures in the airline’s in-flight magazine.

Here are my thoughts, which I left behind for the next passenger to read:

1.

Circled main image with link to this copy:

Looks like an angel made of meat. Saint LaBoeuf!

2.

Copy linked to woman in bed:

All these damn COMPUTER SCREENS!

3.

Copy linked to raccoon:

Don’t be fooled by my fizzy drink and crewneck. I’ll be eating your garbage tonight!

4.

Copy linked to guy climbing rock wall:

I’ve always wanted to climb a rock on a cruise ship!

5.

Copy in painting: BEFORE

Copy next to guy: AFTER

6.

Copy linked to guy:

Yes, you’re floating in thin air. Just read the paper! Don’t look down. Don’t look sideways. It’ll be over soon. Read the paper!

7.

Copy linked to duck:

Look! Daffy Duck’s an asshole. Howard the Duck? Nice guy. That’s just how it is.

8.

Copy:

Wow. I’m a terrible draw-er. Supposed to be skull and crossbones flag. But looks like constipated John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever.

9.

Copy next to raccoon:

Noooo! Blue round thing is the Earth. Red round things is an apple. Earth. Apple. Got it?

Finance manager email to welcome two new recruits

To the Finance team,

Good afternoon, everyone. It’s been a fantastic morning. The market’s are a little unsteady. But not our tastebuds!  Terrific muffins from Carla who baked them at home. I’ve never had a cider vinegar, squash, sundried tomato, olive, brie cheese, cranberry, pineapple bran muffin before. I hope it sat well with you all.

Anyhow, I’d like to take a couple minutes to introduce two new additions to our team:

Jerry Mander



Jerry arrives on our shores from Tonga – a small island nation in the South Pacific. There he taught local fishermen how to establish a fishing economy of scale by bringing in trawlers and doing-away with simple pole-fishing using a single net. Incredible foresight! His favourite fish is a manta ray, which I’m told is not a fish, but comes from the species: ray.

Once he helped streamline the fishing industry, he set his sights on the Internet. Something, I think we’ve all had a look at.

Seeing an opportunity for website addresses he created the standard end of a website address as. GA based on “Tonga’s” last two letters. To give you an example, under Jerry’s web address, amazon.com would no longer be that. It would be amazon.ga. Currently it is not catching on in the market. But what innovation! Jerry’s favourite website is: realdoll.com (NSFW).

I’m very pleased to welcome Jerry to our growing banking group. He’s a great asset and, in him, we expect to yield an exceptionally profitable return on our investment! Please welcome him to the team when you see him. His favourite topics are fabric, the Caucasus, and radio-controlled cars. Also ask him about the condition OPHLANIFANIASM. He has it.

Mary Mee

Mary comes to us from China. My favourite take-out food! There she acted as senior comptroller for Microsofte development networks. Were you playing close attention? That’s no typo. That’s a uniquely Chinese spelling of Microsoft! Truly fascinating culture.

Mary provided her management oversight to make sure the accounting followed regulatory measures to give the global corporation the proper money it earned in China for Mr. Gates’ next global efforts. Interestingly, after speaking with Mary’s team at Microsofte, I was told no one had ever heard of Bill Gates. Quickly afterward people remained tight-lipped, staring at one another not to speak. It was a great show of respect, I think, to not invoke the name of any single one person as a “leader’. But to emphasize that a team leads.

I think this is a great lesson we can all learn from. A teachable moment! I appear to get credit for our work with a corner office, healthy fashion and food expense account, and company Lotus to drive, but there’s no “I” in team. There is “me”. Me looking at everyone and taking care that our team does the best we can. Me + You = Us.

With Mary on board – we’ll make sure “Us” stays profitable for a good long while. Her favourite number is 9. Please welcome her to the team when you next see her in the hall. Some of her favourite topics include: the colour Green, two-ply toilet paper and Julio Iglesias. I encourage you also to explain to her the vending machine’s been broken a long while, and no one pays for anything. No need to account for it on paper. It’s on “Us”.

Thanks everyone,

Look forward to seeing you at the All-Hands meeting Tuesday with the limbless motivational speaker, Nick Vujicic.

Steel Rogers
New Financial Ventures
Acquisitions & Takeovers

    LIONMIND

We’ll stop you! But you over there – you’re okay.

Just heard a report by a cop warning people that, since it is a long weekend, they will be out looking to “crack-down” on bad drivers.

This in and of itself is funny. It’s like saying, “bad drivers have had it too good for too long. We never stop them. But now we’re fed up. We’ve had it. Warn your friends. This weekend, we’re gonna do our job'”

But then, he took it further. He said, in particular we’re REALLY looking for these kinds of drivers: Distracted ones on cellphones and speeders.

So, if you’re not on the this particular list of bad drivers you’re in the clear?: “YES! I’m a slow driver who never looks in in his rearview mirror and regularly hold up traffic for miles. Guess who’s driving this weekend!”

Or alternately:

Does someone who fits the bill of these bad drivers somehow reconsider their weekend plans: “SHIT. I’m a speeder. Maybe I should take the train. This weekend doesn’t look good for me on the road.”

Visit Toronto! Boy, 55 years ago, it was something to see.

 

This circled copy above is on the official page for Toronto’s City Hall.

Its purpose: asking you to have an imagination, dammit!:

“Hey don’t walk away. Honestly I know this building is dull, outdated and boring now. But let me tell you. I promise. This was really a sight to see in the 60s. No really. Hey where are you going….”