This weekend only, shop till you motherfuckin’ drop!!! Defibrillator’s and First Aid on site. Come on down and get yours!

(I looked but couldn’t find TOILET PAPER!)


Apocalypse now or next year?

I was thinking, how does it work when devoted doomsayers’ predictions don’t come true?

These are apocalypse-watchers who meet at an agreed upon sacred spot where lightning, lasers and brimstone will converge at exactly 12:01 on Jan 1 of every year.

But alas, just like every other year, nothing happens:

“Hmmm.. Well there you go. Nothing doing just yet, Joanie. Orion must have been slightly out of alignment with Cassiopeia.”

“Yeah, and I read the tidal charts this morning and they were only 1 foot – which is a little low for the Rapture”.

“Good point. Well, good to see you again Joanie. Same place, same time next year?’

“You bet, Frank.  Next year I’ll bring some more cucumber sandwiches. They’re incredibly refreshing”.

Crackdown urged on head injuries!

Really. This is an actual headline from the Toronto Star – (I included the picture). One of the online commenters captured it:

“You might want to re-word this headline. Would you write “Burn victims all fired up”

Other potential cringe worthy headlines:

Burn victims incensed!

Lung cancer funding in the black.

Legal victory proves sweet for Diabetes sufferers

Obese enjoy plump new benefits.

Upcoming taxes cripple the disabled.

Fine Dying

Do you ever go to a nice restaurant and from the behaviour of the wait staff, sometimes feel like you’re being led to your death instead of guided to your table?

The maitre d has a fake smile, holding something back, as if he knows something that’s about to happen which you don’t. He then signals to waiters/waitresss nearby with subtle gestures steering them to fix your table or do something before you get there. You then look back at him to see if they’re talking to you at which point they overcompensate with a smile, which says “Oh, no, nothing’s fine. Nothing to see here. As you were sir”.

Then, in the moments leading up to getting your entrée, wait staff silently surround your table, each one standing behind a guest at your table. You look up suddenly sensing a presence behind you and noticing you don’t have as much light on the table. Every guest at the table has also clued in that they’re being watched. You look at the servers faces who again have that forced smile, but now also have a slight, worried look on their face as they look at the faces of the other servers standing around the table.

The look says “Okay guys, you ready for what we’re about to do” which suggests you may be about to be strangled with piano wire or just provided your entrée.