Five funny wine tasting notes

#1

TASTING NOTE: This ruby rich delight is packed with mouth-watering sumptuousness with hints of bramble, blackberry, boysenberry, Don Cherry and Frankenberry flourishes. A treat to open tonight with beef testicles or lamb spleen escabeche. Also an ideal companion for manic-depression. Shows promise to last longer than your belief in an afterlife.  

#2

TASTING NOTE: Straw yellow colour, reminds of bottles peed in when too lazy to leave the couch. Wafts of apples, pears and armpits on the subway, this one surely won’t disappoint. Break the seal tonight to help you forget you have to repeat the same day tomorrow or save it for next year after you’ve realized anyone can do your job. Good with pork or pancakes, this stunner is ripe for self-medicating any time of day.

 

#3

TASTING NOTE: Dark as David Fincher, this beauty unwinds waves of hovercraft oil, BDSM dungeon sweat and Fair-trade biodynamic hand-cultivated chocolate from a mountaintop parcel of land in a coastal rainforest. A brooding mistress of devilish wonder – uncork it for a seance tonight or pair it with freshly killed goat from a voodoo ritual. This one will make you wonder what you’re doing with your life.

#4

TASTING NOTE: Medium-bodied garnet with whispers of lavender, tulips and cacti – this one will have you convinced you’re a poet. Don’t kid yourself. Your verses are terrible in comparison with the virtuosity of this Shakespearean dream child. Open it tonight by yourself to commune with the world’s four major religions or create your own religion sharing it with friends. You won’t forget this celestial ejaculation!

#5

TASTING NOTE: A nose of melted plastic, burnt toast and deck shoes worn without socks, this one is a true gift. Every sip brings reminisces of suntanning after a morning of mosquito bites and family conflict. Great for tonight as an accompaniment for anxiety and an uncertain future plus goes remarkably well with the movie Scarface. What are you waiting for? Say hello to your little friend.

Finance manager email to welcome two new recruits

To the Finance team,

Good afternoon, everyone. It’s been a fantastic morning. The market’s are a little unsteady. But not our tastebuds!  Terrific muffins from Carla who baked them at home. I’ve never had a cider vinegar, squash, sundried tomato, olive, brie cheese, cranberry, pineapple bran muffin before. I hope it sat well with you all.

Anyhow, I’d like to take a couple minutes to introduce two new additions to our team:

Jerry Mander

Jerry arrives on our shores from Tonga – a small island nation in the South Pacific. There he taught local fishermen how to establish a fishing economy of scale by bringing in trawlers and doing-away with simple pole-fishing using a single net. Incredible foresight! His favourite fish is a manta ray, which I’m told is not a fish, but comes from the species: ray.

Once he helped streamline the fishing industry, he set his sights on the Internet. Something, I think we’ve all had a look at.

Seeing an opportunity for website addresses he created the standard end of a website address as. GA based on “Tonga’s” last two letters. To give you an example, under Jerry’s web address, amazon.com would no longer be that. It would be amazon.ga. Currently it is not catching on in the market. But what innovation! Jerry’s favourite website is: realdoll.com (NSFW).

I’m very pleased to welcome Jerry to our growing banking group. He’s a great asset and, in him, we expect to yield an exceptionally profitable return on our investment! Please welcome him to the team when you see him. His favourite topics are fabric, the Caucasus, and radio-controlled cars. Also ask him about the condition OPHLANIFANIASM. He has it.

Mary Mee

Mary comes to us from China. My favourite take-out food! There she acted as senior comptroller for Microsofte development networks. Were you playing close attention? That’s no typo. That’s a uniquely Chinese spelling of Microsoft! Truly fascinating culture.

Mary provided her management oversight to make sure the accounting followed regulatory measures to give the global corporation the proper money it earned in China for Mr. Gates’ next global efforts. Interestingly, after speaking with Mary’s team at Microsofte, I was told no one had ever heard of Bill Gates. Quickly afterward people remained tight-lipped, staring at one another not to speak. It was a great show of respect, I think, to not invoke the name of any single one person as a “leader’. But to emphasize that a team leads.

I think this is a great lesson we can all learn from. A teachable moment! I appear to get credit for our work with a corner office, healthy fashion and food expense account, and company Lotus to drive, but there’s no “I” in team. There is “me”. Me looking at everyone and taking care that our team does the best we can. Me + You = Us.

With Mary on board – we’ll make sure “Us” stays profitable for a good long while. Her favourite number is 9. Please welcome her to the team when you next see her in the hall. Some of her favourite topics include: the colour Green, two-ply toilet paper and Julio Iglesias. I encourage you also to explain to her the vending machine’s been broken a long while, and no one pays for anything. No need to account for it on paper. It’s on “Us”.

Thanks everyone,

Look forward to seeing you at the All-Hands meeting Tuesday with the limbless motivational speaker, Nick Vujicic.

Steel Rogers
New Financial Ventures
Acquisitions & Takeovers

    LIONMIND

5 funny Groupons you missed

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Exclusive: Reporter’s transcript from Toronto’s “storm of the year”

Frank (reporter on the street)  –

John, it’s serious. There’s five centimetres on the ground here. Let me put that in plain terms. 

That’s five centimetres of frozen water plummeting from the sky and colliding with our streets, homes and way of life. I couldn’t have envisioned the horror myself– but, here I am – staring right into this cold, monochromatic canvas of white fury. 

John (studio anchor) –

My god Frank. You said five centimetres? Are you at least safe from where you’re reporting? 

Frank –

I’ve dug out a foxhole for myself here, John, by kicking the snow away from me to create a protective area. 

Like brushing dandruff off one’s shoulder, I’ve secured a clean area on the sidewalk free of any contamination from white flakes.

 John –

That’s good to hear Frank. We want to make sure you get back to us safe. 

Frank –

I’m okay for now. But there’s no telling how long I can keep it at bay.

 John –

Well Frank – while we’ve got you safe – how are people dealing with what surely sounds like the “storm of the year”? 

Frank –

I’ve got Mary with me here, John, who bravely faced this white squall to make sure her family had enough food to survive the storm’s wrath.  

 Mary (pedestrian)–

 That’s very kind, but only a coincidence, Frank. Tuesday’s when I normally go to the grocery store. It’s just a coincidence this weather came up.  

 Frank –

Brave words, Joan. Your courage is inspiring. Now tell me: how are you managing on this darkest of days? 

Joan –

 Great! It’s nice to have some snow coming down – and the kids get a real kick out of it, sledding down the hills.

 Frank –

You’re being incredibly strong, Joan. Is your family safe?

 Joan –

Why, what’s happened?

 Frank (looking directly into camera) –

I think our viewers would like to know that your family is as brave as you – and are safe, waiting for your return during Nature’s onslaught.

 Joan –

Oh no. The girls are out and about, having a snowball fight. I heard one got a bloody nose again from a direct hit in the face. And Gary, my son, was caught sliding behind cars again. So, in his case, I’m gonna make sure he doesn’t feel at all safe.  

 Frank –

Joan, I won’t keep you from your mission any longer. Get home quickly and deliver your groceries to a hungry, and no doubt frightened family, in the clutches of this  ferocious winter monster.

 Joan (looking directly into camera)-

You better be scared, Gary. I’m coming home with consequences!

 Frank –

As you can see John, people are panicked, and worry runs the streets. We can only hope our worry doesn’t consume us like the five centimetre blanket, which we’re all struggling to get out from under.

 John –

 Eloquently put, Frank. Now get out of that terror zone and get back to us safe and sound.

 Frank –

This is Frank Middling reporting for the Weather Network at ground zero of the storm ….nay… cataclysm of the century.

Five funny comments with Canadian politicians

 

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Top 10 hidden messages in Itunes service agreement

You know the form you agree to every time you update Itunes, but never read? Here’s ten things Apple’s hidden within the service agreement, which we’ve failed to notice – highlighted in red.

1.

A. ITUNES STORE, MAC APP STORE, APP STORE, IBOOKSTORE TERMS OF SALE, AND ANYTHING ELSE WITH “I” IN FRONT OF IT.
B. ITUNES STORE TERMS AND CONDITIONS
C. MAC APP STORE, APP STORE AND IBOOKSTORE TERMS AND CONDITIONS
D. PRIVACY POLICY

THE LEGAL AGREEMENTS SET OUT BELOW GOVERN YOUR USE OF THE ITUNES STORE, MAC APP STORE, APP STORE, IBOOKSTORE SERVICES AND ANYTHING ELSE WITH “I” IN FRONT OF IT. TO AGREE TO THESE TERMS, CLICK “AGREE.” IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO THESE TERMS, ENJOY YOUR PC, MENNONITE.

2.

PAYMENTS, TAXES, AND REFUND POLICY

The iTunes Store, Mac App Store, App Store, iBookstore services (“Services”), and anything else with “I” in front of it accept these forms of payment: credit cards issued by U.S. banks, payments through your PayPal account, iTunes Cards, iTunes Store Gift Certificates, Content Codes, Allowance Account balances, your first born or 3 months of assembly line work in China. If a credit card or your PayPal account is being used for a transaction, Apple may obtain preapproval for any amount we want. Billing occurs as soon as you click on the Apple website or spot our Apple logo in public (Yes, we can see you. Where do you think the CIA get their gadgets?) If you are using 1-Click purchasing or your PayPal account, your order may be authorized and billed several times over for a single purchasing session, because Apple has bills to pay. If an iTunes Card, iTunes Store Gift Certificate, or Allowance Account is used for a transaction, you will immediately be billed for the purchase of another card at the same amount (It’s a recession. We have a lot of bills). When making purchases, content credits are used first, followed by Gift Certificate, iTunes Card, kidneys and sexual favours; your family will be shaked down for any remaining balance.

3.

You agree that you will pay immediately for all products you purchase through the Services and for all future Apple products (i.e. Ipad 2 – Ipad 500). YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE TIMELY PAYMENT OF ALL FEES AND PROVIDING APPLE YOUR CREDIT CARD OR PAYPAL ACCOUNT DETAILS, BANK PASSWORD, EMAIL ACCOUNT USER ID AND PASSWORD, FACEBOOK ACCOUNT SIGN IN, AND YOUR MOST INCRIMINATING SECRET. All fees will be billed to the credit card, or family member you designate during the registration process. If there is a change in your credit card or PayPal account status, you must change your information online in the Account Information section of iTunes; you will not get anywhere near our site until we’ve cross checked, cross referenced, and interviewed friends and employees to verify you’re not lying.

4.

Your total price will include the price of the product plus our occasional grocery bills; such bills are based on how bad the economy gets, and whether Apple is unable to provide food for lunch meetings. We will charge our groceries only in states or provinces, which have Whole Foods.

All sales and rentals of products are final. Snooze? You lose.

Prices for products offered via the Services may change hourly – if the market gets too unpredictable. Services do not provide price protection and are of no use in the event you need help.

If a product becomes unavailable after you’ve paid for it but before you’ve received it, bad luck. If technical problems prevent or unreasonably delay delivery of your product, Apple is really sorry.

5.

1-Click®

1-Click is a registered service mark of Amazon.com, Inc., used under extortion (We have compromising photos of Jeff Bezos. Apple would like to add, we only keep them for leverage and would never look at them any more than the one time. *shudder *) . 1-Click is a convenient feature that allows you to buy from the Services with a single click of your mouse, helping us get your money more often and much more quickly. When accessing the Services on your computer, 1-Click purchasing may be remotely activated by Apple’s mission control long before you click a Buy button. (You can try to reset this function, but will likely receive calls at 3 in the morning, be regularly cut off in traffic, have your wallet stolen at the gym, and get food poisoning the next time you eat out. These are only consistent “side effects” reported by past clients in this position). When accessing the Services on your iPad, iPod, iPhone, iEverything, 1-Click is immediately activated, triggering your download and putting money in our bank.

Risk of loss and title for Gift Certificates, iTunes Cards, and Allowances transmitted electronically pass to the purchaser in upon electronic transmission to the recipient. Risk of loss and title for Content Codes transmitted electronically pass to the purchaser in California upon electronic transmission to the recipient. Bottom line: Apple wins.

GIFTS

Gifts purchased from the Services may be purchased only if you buy one for us – Apple is big on crystal ware and Snuggies *wink*. Gift recipients’ computers must only use Apple hardware, software and recipients must own at least 2 of the following: Itunes, Ipad, Iphone. If they do not own at least 2 Apple products, you will be required to add one as a gift to your original gift purchase.

6.

GIFT CERTIFICATES, ITUNES CARDS, ALLOWANCES, AND CONTENT CODES

Gift Certificates, iTunes Cards, and Allowances are issued and managed by Apple Value Services, LLC (“Emperor”).

Gift Certificates, iTunes Cards, Content Codes, and Allowances, cannot be traded in, exchanged or resold for cash if you haven’t used them– but they do make handy bookmarks.

The Gift Certificate/iTunes Card cash value is a whole lot less than a cent. Really, in straight terms, you would have to pay us if you wanted to redeem your cash. Apple only allows you to pay for your purchases and its many whimsical taxes – Apple will NOT make you pay back unused money you’ve already paid for – kind of nice, no?

Neither Issuer nor Apple is responsible for anything at all to do with Gift Certificates, iTunes Cards, Content Codes, or Allowances. You are on your own.

Apple reserves the right to close your account and recoup our losses through alternative forms of payment like your child’s education fund, your retirement savings, house, car and all winnings earned by entering your house cat in “Feline fight clubs” if a Gift Certificate, iTunes Card, Content Code, or Allowance is fraudulently obtained or used on the Service.

APPLE, ISSUER, AND THEIR LICENSEES, AFFILIATES, AND LICENSORS MAKE NO APOLOGIES, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, WITH RESPECT TO GIFT CERTIFICATES, ITUNES CARDS, CONTENT CODES, ALLOWANCES, OR THE ITUNES STORE, INCLUDING, WITHOUT, ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTY OR FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE (Apple doesn’t quite understand that last part. Maybe ask a friend about it?). IN THE EVENT A GIFT CERTIFICATE, ITUNES CARD, CONTENT CODE, OR ALLOWANCE IS NONFUNCTIONAL, TOO BAD, CHAD. CERTAIN STATE LAWS DO NOT ALLOW LIMITATIONS ON IMPLIED WARRANTIES OR THE EXCLUSION OR LIMITATION OF CERTAIN DAMAGES (Ask them about that sentence too). IF THESE LAWS APPLY TO YOU, SOME OR ALL OF THE ABOVE DISCLAIMERS, EXCLUSIONS, OR LIMITATIONS MAY NOT APPLY TO YOU, BUT THEY MIGHT, YOU NEVER REALLY KNOW YA KNOW? . YOU MAY ALSO HAVE ADDITIONAL RIGHTS. BUT I WOULDN’T GET TOO EXCITED.

7.

ELECTRONIC CONTRACTING

Your use of the Services locks you and your offspring into a lifelong agreement with Apple. YOU ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOUR ELECTRONIC SUBMISSIONS DEMAND YOUR PROMPT PAYMENT. IF YOU DON’T PAY WITHIN FIVE MINUTES, YOU WILL BE BADLY INJURED BY A FALLING OBJECT IN PUBLIC OR BITTEN BY A HIGHLY, HIGHLY VENOMOUS SNAKE AT HOME (These are only past experiences from clients in this position. We cannot guarantee they will happen to you. But we can say they will probably hurt, if they do:)

YOUR AGREEMENT TO PROMPT PAYMENT APPLIES TO ALL ALL TRANSACTIONS YOU ENTER INTO ON THIS SITE, AND ANY SITE WITH THE WORD “APPLE” IN THE CONTENT. In order to access and retain your electronic records, you must pay Apple $100 a month.

Apple is not responsible for typographic errors. (To be clear:  $100 is NOT a typo in the second last sentence)

8.

PRE-ORDERS

By pre-ordering products, you may never see them. You may NOT cancel your pre-order prior to the time the item becomes available OR even if the item never shows up.

9.

Use of the Service requires compatible devices, Internet access, and certain software – (i.e. Apple products) High-speed Internet access is your only option – Dial up? Ridiculous. The latest version of the iTunes software is recommended for everything. You agree to stay on top of these updates or risk missing out on a lot of life’s amazing moments. The Service is not part of any other product or offering, and no purchase or obtaining of any other product shall be tolerated.

10.

1. YOUR ACCOUNT

As a registered user of the Service, we grant you the privilege of establishing an account. Don’t reveal your Account information to anyone else – girlfriends, boyfriends, friends, grandmothers, dogs or wallabies. You are responsible for maintaining the secrets of your Account and for everything that happens with it. You agree to immediately notify Apple if someone breaks into your account – because we will break them. Apple is not responsible for losses arising out of the unauthorized use of your Account and all the bad choices that led to it happening.

PRIVACY (You have none)

Except as otherwise stated in this Agreement, the Service is subject to Apple’s Privacy Policy at http://www.apple.com/legal/privacy/.

When you opt in to the Genius feature, Apple will, from time to time, automatically collect information that can be used to identify media in your iTunes library on this computer, to warn you when you’re playing too much Barbara Streisand. This includes media purchased through iTunes and media obtained from anywhere. When you use the Genius feature, Apple will use this information and the contents of your iTunes library, as well as other information, to recommend you listen to more James Brown.

Apple may only use this information and combine it with aggregated information from the iTunes libraries of other users who also opt in to this feature. In other words, people will also know you listen to Bananarama.

Meditation internal monologue

 

Omm.

Ommm.

Ummm.

Now what?

Damn. I’m thinking.

Be quiet.

Shhhhh. Fuck, again. Quit thinking.

I’m thinking about thinking. Quiet.

Okay. Let go – just let things go.

……

…….

……

Wonder what’s on TV tonight?

Shit!

The Dalai Lama sports a new toque

Pray for pizza

(whispering)

Yeah pepperoni, no onions, whole wheat thin crust.

How long?

Sure, I’ll be here a while.

—

Photo taken from this morning’s Toronto Star

Doctors and lawyers need practice?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was thinking. Isn’t it a bit troubling that doctors and lawyers refer to their work as a practice?

 

 “Oh boy. I snipped his carotid artery. That’s a gusher. Can you stitch that up Fred and replace the 3 pints he’s left on the floor? That’s embarrassing.

  I’ll start on his kidney surgery once you’re done. Whew, good lesson. Next time I’ll keep my scalpel on the table until I really need it. We’ll get it right next time. 

 How’s that stitch Fred? ”

———————————————————

“Has the defense procured the necessary paperwork  to exonerate the defendant from his charges? If not, you are aware, I will be forced to sentence him.”

 “I knew there was something I had to do before bed last night! No, your honour I don’t have the paperwork. Can I produce it later today?”

 “You know the law, you understand the consequence. I’m sentencing this man to 3 years in minimum security jail”

 (Gavel falls)

 Lawyer speaks to defendant: “My fault. Totally my fault. I was watching the Food network and got mesmerized. I’ll do better next time. I’ll knock the appeal out of the park. In the meantime, can I get a pillow for your cell?”