Top 10 hidden messages in Itunes service agreement

You know the form you agree to every time you update Itunes, but never read? Here’s ten things Apple’s hidden within the service agreement, which we’ve failed to notice – highlighted in red.

1.

A. ITUNES STORE, MAC APP STORE, APP STORE, IBOOKSTORE TERMS OF SALE, AND ANYTHING ELSE WITH “I” IN FRONT OF IT.
B. ITUNES STORE TERMS AND CONDITIONS
C. MAC APP STORE, APP STORE AND IBOOKSTORE TERMS AND CONDITIONS
D. PRIVACY POLICY

THE LEGAL AGREEMENTS SET OUT BELOW GOVERN YOUR USE OF THE ITUNES STORE, MAC APP STORE, APP STORE, IBOOKSTORE SERVICES AND ANYTHING ELSE WITH “I” IN FRONT OF IT. TO AGREE TO THESE TERMS, CLICK “AGREE.” IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO THESE TERMS, ENJOY YOUR PC, MENNONITE.

2.

PAYMENTS, TAXES, AND REFUND POLICY

The iTunes Store, Mac App Store, App Store, iBookstore services (“Services”), and anything else with “I” in front of it accept these forms of payment: credit cards issued by U.S. banks, payments through your PayPal account, iTunes Cards, iTunes Store Gift Certificates, Content Codes, Allowance Account balances, your first born or 3 months of assembly line work in China. If a credit card or your PayPal account is being used for a transaction, Apple may obtain preapproval for any amount we want. Billing occurs as soon as you click on the Apple website or spot our Apple logo in public (Yes, we can see you. Where do you think the CIA get their gadgets?) If you are using 1-Click purchasing or your PayPal account, your order may be authorized and billed several times over for a single purchasing session, because Apple has bills to pay. If an iTunes Card, iTunes Store Gift Certificate, or Allowance Account is used for a transaction, you will immediately be billed for the purchase of another card at the same amount (It’s a recession. We have a lot of bills). When making purchases, content credits are used first, followed by Gift Certificate, iTunes Card, kidneys and sexual favours; your family will be shaked down for any remaining balance.

3.

You agree that you will pay immediately for all products you purchase through the Services and for all future Apple products (i.e. Ipad 2 – Ipad 500). YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE TIMELY PAYMENT OF ALL FEES AND PROVIDING APPLE YOUR CREDIT CARD OR PAYPAL ACCOUNT DETAILS, BANK PASSWORD, EMAIL ACCOUNT USER ID AND PASSWORD, FACEBOOK ACCOUNT SIGN IN, AND YOUR MOST INCRIMINATING SECRET. All fees will be billed to the credit card, or family member you designate during the registration process. If there is a change in your credit card or PayPal account status, you must change your information online in the Account Information section of iTunes; you will not get anywhere near our site until we’ve cross checked, cross referenced, and interviewed friends and employees to verify you’re not lying.

4.

Your total price will include the price of the product plus our occasional grocery bills; such bills are based on how bad the economy gets, and whether Apple is unable to provide food for lunch meetings. We will charge our groceries only in states or provinces, which have Whole Foods.

All sales and rentals of products are final. Snooze? You lose.

Prices for products offered via the Services may change hourly – if the market gets too unpredictable. Services do not provide price protection and are of no use in the event you need help.

If a product becomes unavailable after you’ve paid for it but before you’ve received it, bad luck. If technical problems prevent or unreasonably delay delivery of your product, Apple is really sorry.

5.

1-Click®

1-Click is a registered service mark of Amazon.com, Inc., used under extortion (We have compromising photos of Jeff Bezos. Apple would like to add, we only keep them for leverage and would never look at them any more than the one time. *shudder *) . 1-Click is a convenient feature that allows you to buy from the Services with a single click of your mouse, helping us get your money more often and much more quickly. When accessing the Services on your computer, 1-Click purchasing may be remotely activated by Apple’s mission control long before you click a Buy button. (You can try to reset this function, but will likely receive calls at 3 in the morning, be regularly cut off in traffic, have your wallet stolen at the gym, and get food poisoning the next time you eat out. These are only consistent “side effects” reported by past clients in this position). When accessing the Services on your iPad, iPod, iPhone, iEverything, 1-Click is immediately activated, triggering your download and putting money in our bank.

Risk of loss and title for Gift Certificates, iTunes Cards, and Allowances transmitted electronically pass to the purchaser in upon electronic transmission to the recipient. Risk of loss and title for Content Codes transmitted electronically pass to the purchaser in California upon electronic transmission to the recipient. Bottom line: Apple wins.

GIFTS

Gifts purchased from the Services may be purchased only if you buy one for us – Apple is big on crystal ware and Snuggies *wink*. Gift recipients’ computers must only use Apple hardware, software and recipients must own at least 2 of the following: Itunes, Ipad, Iphone. If they do not own at least 2 Apple products, you will be required to add one as a gift to your original gift purchase.

6.

GIFT CERTIFICATES, ITUNES CARDS, ALLOWANCES, AND CONTENT CODES

Gift Certificates, iTunes Cards, and Allowances are issued and managed by Apple Value Services, LLC (“Emperor”).

Gift Certificates, iTunes Cards, Content Codes, and Allowances, cannot be traded in, exchanged or resold for cash if you haven’t used them– but they do make handy bookmarks.

The Gift Certificate/iTunes Card cash value is a whole lot less than a cent. Really, in straight terms, you would have to pay us if you wanted to redeem your cash. Apple only allows you to pay for your purchases and its many whimsical taxes – Apple will NOT make you pay back unused money you’ve already paid for – kind of nice, no?

Neither Issuer nor Apple is responsible for anything at all to do with Gift Certificates, iTunes Cards, Content Codes, or Allowances. You are on your own.

Apple reserves the right to close your account and recoup our losses through alternative forms of payment like your child’s education fund, your retirement savings, house, car and all winnings earned by entering your house cat in “Feline fight clubs” if a Gift Certificate, iTunes Card, Content Code, or Allowance is fraudulently obtained or used on the Service.

APPLE, ISSUER, AND THEIR LICENSEES, AFFILIATES, AND LICENSORS MAKE NO APOLOGIES, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, WITH RESPECT TO GIFT CERTIFICATES, ITUNES CARDS, CONTENT CODES, ALLOWANCES, OR THE ITUNES STORE, INCLUDING, WITHOUT, ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTY OR FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE (Apple doesn’t quite understand that last part. Maybe ask a friend about it?). IN THE EVENT A GIFT CERTIFICATE, ITUNES CARD, CONTENT CODE, OR ALLOWANCE IS NONFUNCTIONAL, TOO BAD, CHAD. CERTAIN STATE LAWS DO NOT ALLOW LIMITATIONS ON IMPLIED WARRANTIES OR THE EXCLUSION OR LIMITATION OF CERTAIN DAMAGES (Ask them about that sentence too). IF THESE LAWS APPLY TO YOU, SOME OR ALL OF THE ABOVE DISCLAIMERS, EXCLUSIONS, OR LIMITATIONS MAY NOT APPLY TO YOU, BUT THEY MIGHT, YOU NEVER REALLY KNOW YA KNOW? . YOU MAY ALSO HAVE ADDITIONAL RIGHTS. BUT I WOULDN’T GET TOO EXCITED.

7.

ELECTRONIC CONTRACTING

Your use of the Services locks you and your offspring into a lifelong agreement with Apple. YOU ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOUR ELECTRONIC SUBMISSIONS DEMAND YOUR PROMPT PAYMENT. IF YOU DON’T PAY WITHIN FIVE MINUTES, YOU WILL BE BADLY INJURED BY A FALLING OBJECT IN PUBLIC OR BITTEN BY A HIGHLY, HIGHLY VENOMOUS SNAKE AT HOME (These are only past experiences from clients in this position. We cannot guarantee they will happen to you. But we can say they will probably hurt, if they do:)

YOUR AGREEMENT TO PROMPT PAYMENT APPLIES TO ALL ALL TRANSACTIONS YOU ENTER INTO ON THIS SITE, AND ANY SITE WITH THE WORD “APPLE” IN THE CONTENT. In order to access and retain your electronic records, you must pay Apple $100 a month.

Apple is not responsible for typographic errors. (To be clear:  $100 is NOT a typo in the second last sentence)

8.

PRE-ORDERS

By pre-ordering products, you may never see them. You may NOT cancel your pre-order prior to the time the item becomes available OR even if the item never shows up.

9.

Use of the Service requires compatible devices, Internet access, and certain software – (i.e. Apple products) High-speed Internet access is your only option – Dial up? Ridiculous. The latest version of the iTunes software is recommended for everything. You agree to stay on top of these updates or risk missing out on a lot of life’s amazing moments. The Service is not part of any other product or offering, and no purchase or obtaining of any other product shall be tolerated.

10.

1. YOUR ACCOUNT

As a registered user of the Service, we grant you the privilege of establishing an account. Don’t reveal your Account information to anyone else – girlfriends, boyfriends, friends, grandmothers, dogs or wallabies. You are responsible for maintaining the secrets of your Account and for everything that happens with it. You agree to immediately notify Apple if someone breaks into your account – because we will break them. Apple is not responsible for losses arising out of the unauthorized use of your Account and all the bad choices that led to it happening.

PRIVACY (You have none)

Except as otherwise stated in this Agreement, the Service is subject to Apple’s Privacy Policy at http://www.apple.com/legal/privacy/.

When you opt in to the Genius feature, Apple will, from time to time, automatically collect information that can be used to identify media in your iTunes library on this computer, to warn you when you’re playing too much Barbara Streisand. This includes media purchased through iTunes and media obtained from anywhere. When you use the Genius feature, Apple will use this information and the contents of your iTunes library, as well as other information, to recommend you listen to more James Brown.

Apple may only use this information and combine it with aggregated information from the iTunes libraries of other users who also opt in to this feature. In other words, people will also know you listen to Bananarama.

10 funny “He could sell” lines

I recently read a different take on the clichéd line – “He could sell ice to an Inuit*” with “He could sell sawdust to a lumber mill”.

* Politically correct update

I thought, I’d add to the cliché crashing party with examples in two styles, the original – i.e. “Selling someone something they already have” and different – “Selling someone the opposite of what they need”.

 
Original style

 “He could….

 1. Sell plastic surgery to Joan Rivers.

 2. Sell a cape to Superman. 

3. Sell hay to a farmer. 

4. Sell wood to a forest. 

5. Sell religion to the Pope.

 

Different style

 “He could….

 6. Sell underwear to a nudist.

 7. Sell rope to a free climber. 

8. Sell a two-wheeled bike to a unicyclist.

 9. Sell crutches to an Olympic sprinter.

 10. Sell a cage to a lion.

 Bonus.  Sell atheism to a doorstep Jehovah.