Doctors and lawyers need practice?

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
I was thinking. Isn’t it a bit troubling that doctors and lawyers refer to their work as a practice?
 
 “Oh boy. I snipped his carotid artery. That’s a gusher. Can you stitch that up Fred and replace the 3 pints he’s left on the floor? That’s embarrassing.

  I’ll start on his kidney surgery once you’re done. Whew, good lesson. Next time I’ll keep my scalpel on the table until I really need it. We’ll get it right next time. 

 How’s that stitch Fred? ”

———————————————————

“Has the defense procured the necessary paperwork  to exonerate the defendant from his charges? If not, you are aware, I will be forced to sentence him.”

 “I knew there was something I had to do before bed last night! No, your honour I don’t have the paperwork. Can I produce it later today?”

 “You know the law, you understand the consequence. I’m sentencing this man to 3 years in minimum security jail”

 (Gavel falls)

 Lawyer speaks to defendant: “My fault. Totally my fault. I was watching the Food network and got mesmerized. I’ll do better next time. I’ll knock the appeal out of the park. In the meantime, can I get a pillow for your cell?”

Advertisements

Four funny community courses

I was flipping through a Continuing Education brochure I got in the mail and these four courses caught my eye:

1.

I like the shorthand in the first two questions. It sounds like Yoda speaking a zen koan:

“Improve on life’s most difficult situations you will”.

“Learn to be effective at work and home is certain”.

I also like the admission that it will help make it safe for you to talk about “almost” anything.

This begs a disclaimer:

This course still cannot make Necrophilia, Candle wax play, graphic Harry Potter fantasies or ABBA safe to talk about.  Sorry for any inconvenience.

2.

I didn’t call to verify. But magic seems like no mere metaphor in this course.

And Job from Arrested Development could well be the professor:

“Now class I’ll teach you how to fire someone with flair ”

Approaches student sitting down:

“Well hello John. It would appear you’ve got something big and obvious lingering behind your ear”

Reaches behind ear to pull out a pink piece of paper.

“A pink slip! Well. Thanks for the years John. Let me be the first to say, your pot-luck casserole will be missed.”

3.


Not Turkish? Again! Goddamit!

4.

Reading the last line, followed by the price tag for materials, kinda feels like it sums up what this course provides.

“I’m here to learn master”.

“Hahhah. You just have. You just made stuff happen”

“What?”

“And again!”

“I think I want a refund”

“Now you’re on a roll!”

7 expressions I don’t understand

1.  Have one’s cake and eat it too

What else would I do with a cake?

2. The Devil Is In The Details

But God’s also in the details. So, details are bad when you have to come up with them, but once you have, they’re heavenly?

3. To Err Is Human, To Forgive Divine

I fucked up because I’m human. Now I should forgive because it’s divine.

But hang on. I’m human.

4. Don’t Look A Gift Horse In The Mouth

Is the gift horse about to vomit? Does it have decaying rotten teeth that will make me vomit? Why shouldn’t I look into its mouth?

5. Can’t Cut the Mustard

I can cut the mustard. You can cut the mustard. Realistically, only someone, unconscious on life support or without function of their hands cannot cut the mustard.

6. Between A Rock And A Hard Place

Granted it wouldn’t sound as good, but isn’t a hard place just another rock?

7. Beat A Dead Horse

Did somebody actually beat a dead horse and get increasingly frustrated it didn’t react?

“Fuckin horse. Whack! You deserve it, you equine stooge. Whack! Don’t you ever defecate in front of my house again. Whack! Do you hear me you disgrace to farm animals. Whack! Why aren’t you listening to me.”

“It’s dead, man.”

“Damn it. You’re right. It’s just not worth it.”

You’re being watched (more than likely)!

“George did you install the videocamera”

“I forget”

“You forget?”

“I was busy with the Internet hookup. I forget if I also installed the camera.”

“Okay. Well can you go check?”

“I have to make some holes.”

“Holes?”

“The drywalls up already and I would have installed the camera behind it. I need to open it up to see.”

“What’s it doing behind the wall?”

“It’s a pinhole camera. I was told to keep it as hidden as possible.”

“You can’t tell if you installed it or not when you look at the wall”.

“No, the hole is miniscule. Can’t tell”.

“Fine. Just put up a sign”