Not an Onion article

Here’s the story:

A man in Barrie, Ontario was killed by a group of teens at a mini-putt course with the sharp, broken end of a golf putter.

Painful.

Now here’s the article, with the family remembering him. This is 100% true. No satire in site.

If I could be so lucky.

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Extra Extra: Human beings kill!

‘Regular person’ accused of being L.A. serial killer

A conversation with a neighbour of the accused:

“Sure the curmudgeon across the street shoo-ing kids of his lawn. Or the cross-dressing porn star who lights himself on fire in his driveway every night. And even Ms. Merritt who’s saved every newspaper, egg carton and cereal box since 1940.

But this guy cut his grass. I’ve seen him sweat in the sun. He drove a car! He also walked and talked. He ate carrots, I saw that. And celery. Plus he drank water and watched TV! The man even went to the bathroom. And now he kills people? It’s terrifying.”

-Headline from the Toronto Star.

Crank up the book-signing!

News: Canadian children’s author Robert Munsch recently admitted to cocaine addiction. Really, not a huge surprise, considering this is a typical example of his energy above.

Now here’s today’s Toronto Star headline:

Robert Munsch lauded for
addiction admission

Book tour ‘100 per cent full-speed ahead

Now that he’s only on methamphetamine, long meet and greets should prove a breeze.

Biker mortis


What’s so interesting about a guy sitting on a bike? Absolutely nothing. 

But this man is dead.

No breath, no pulse, no light. He’s taken the off the ramp, never to get on again, but requested one last thing before he did – to be embalmed and positioned this way for his wake.

Yes, this is not a statue nor a wax replica, but a mummified man, frozen in flight.  

First draft of his obituary:

David was a fine friend, great biker and wonderful family man. But his loss is not to despair. We expect great things from him in his post-life career as a bike model.

Crackdown urged on head injuries!

Really. This is an actual headline from the Toronto Star – (I included the picture). One of the online commenters captured it:

“You might want to re-word this headline. Would you write “Burn victims all fired up”

Other potential cringe worthy headlines:

Burn victims incensed!

Lung cancer funding in the black.

Legal victory proves sweet for Diabetes sufferers

Obese enjoy plump new benefits.

Upcoming taxes cripple the disabled.