Five new public transit destinations

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Not an Onion article

Here’s the story:

A man in Barrie, Ontario was killed by a group of teens at a mini-putt course with the sharp, broken end of a golf putter.

Painful.

Now here’s the article, with the family remembering him. This is 100% true. No satire in site.

If I could be so lucky.

Visit Toronto! Boy, 55 years ago, it was something to see.

 

This circled copy above is on the official page for Toronto’s City Hall.

Its purpose: asking you to have an imagination, dammit!:

“Hey don’t walk away. Honestly I know this building is dull, outdated and boring now. But let me tell you. I promise. This was really a sight to see in the 60s. No really. Hey where are you going….”

Exclusive: Reporter’s transcript from Toronto’s “storm of the year”

Frank (reporter on the street)  –

John, it’s serious. There’s five centimetres on the ground here. Let me put that in plain terms. 

That’s five centimetres of frozen water plummeting from the sky and colliding with our streets, homes and way of life. I couldn’t have envisioned the horror myself– but, here I am – staring right into this cold, monochromatic canvas of white fury. 

John (studio anchor) –

My god Frank. You said five centimetres? Are you at least safe from where you’re reporting? 

Frank –

I’ve dug out a foxhole for myself here, John, by kicking the snow away from me to create a protective area. 

Like brushing dandruff off one’s shoulder, I’ve secured a clean area on the sidewalk free of any contamination from white flakes.

 John –

That’s good to hear Frank. We want to make sure you get back to us safe. 

Frank –

I’m okay for now. But there’s no telling how long I can keep it at bay.

 John –

Well Frank – while we’ve got you safe – how are people dealing with what surely sounds like the “storm of the year”? 

Frank –

I’ve got Mary with me here, John, who bravely faced this white squall to make sure her family had enough food to survive the storm’s wrath.  

 Mary (pedestrian)–

 That’s very kind, but only a coincidence, Frank. Tuesday’s when I normally go to the grocery store. It’s just a coincidence this weather came up.  

 Frank –

Brave words, Joan. Your courage is inspiring. Now tell me: how are you managing on this darkest of days? 

Joan –

 Great! It’s nice to have some snow coming down – and the kids get a real kick out of it, sledding down the hills.

 Frank –

You’re being incredibly strong, Joan. Is your family safe?

 Joan –

Why, what’s happened?

 Frank (looking directly into camera) –

I think our viewers would like to know that your family is as brave as you – and are safe, waiting for your return during Nature’s onslaught.

 Joan –

Oh no. The girls are out and about, having a snowball fight. I heard one got a bloody nose again from a direct hit in the face. And Gary, my son, was caught sliding behind cars again. So, in his case, I’m gonna make sure he doesn’t feel at all safe.  

 Frank

Joan, I won’t keep you from your mission any longer. Get home quickly and deliver your groceries to a hungry, and no doubt frightened family, in the clutches of this  ferocious winter monster.

 Joan (looking directly into camera)-

You better be scared, Gary. I’m coming home with consequences!

 Frank –

As you can see John, people are panicked, and worry runs the streets. We can only hope our worry doesn’t consume us like the five centimetre blanket, which we’re all struggling to get out from under.

 John –

 Eloquently put, Frank. Now get out of that terror zone and get back to us safe and sound.

 Frank –

This is Frank Middling reporting for the Weather Network at ground zero of the storm ….nay… cataclysm of the century.

Four funny community courses

I was flipping through a Continuing Education brochure I got in the mail and these four courses caught my eye:

1.

I like the shorthand in the first two questions. It sounds like Yoda speaking a zen koan:

“Improve on life’s most difficult situations you will”.

“Learn to be effective at work and home is certain”.

I also like the admission that it will help make it safe for you to talk about “almost” anything.

This begs a disclaimer:

This course still cannot make Necrophilia, Candle wax play, graphic Harry Potter fantasies or ABBA safe to talk about.  Sorry for any inconvenience.

2.

I didn’t call to verify. But magic seems like no mere metaphor in this course.

And Job from Arrested Development could well be the professor:

“Now class I’ll teach you how to fire someone with flair ”

Approaches student sitting down:

“Well hello John. It would appear you’ve got something big and obvious lingering behind your ear”

Reaches behind ear to pull out a pink piece of paper.

“A pink slip! Well. Thanks for the years John. Let me be the first to say, your pot-luck casserole will be missed.”

3.


Not Turkish? Again! Goddamit!

4.

Reading the last line, followed by the price tag for materials, kinda feels like it sums up what this course provides.

“I’m here to learn master”.

“Hahhah. You just have. You just made stuff happen”

“What?”

“And again!”

“I think I want a refund”

“Now you’re on a roll!”