Finance manager email to welcome two new recruits

To the Finance team,

Good afternoon, everyone. It’s been a fantastic morning. The market’s are a little unsteady. But not our tastebuds!  Terrific muffins from Carla who baked them at home. I’ve never had a cider vinegar, squash, sundried tomato, olive, brie cheese, cranberry, pineapple bran muffin before. I hope it sat well with you all.

Anyhow, I’d like to take a couple minutes to introduce two new additions to our team:

Jerry Mander



Jerry arrives on our shores from Tonga – a small island nation in the South Pacific. There he taught local fishermen how to establish a fishing economy of scale by bringing in trawlers and doing-away with simple pole-fishing using a single net. Incredible foresight! His favourite fish is a manta ray, which I’m told is not a fish, but comes from the species: ray.

Once he helped streamline the fishing industry, he set his sights on the Internet. Something, I think we’ve all had a look at.

Seeing an opportunity for website addresses he created the standard end of a website address as. GA based on “Tonga’s” last two letters. To give you an example, under Jerry’s web address, amazon.com would no longer be that. It would be amazon.ga. Currently it is not catching on in the market. But what innovation! Jerry’s favourite website is: realdoll.com (NSFW).

I’m very pleased to welcome Jerry to our growing banking group. He’s a great asset and, in him, we expect to yield an exceptionally profitable return on our investment! Please welcome him to the team when you see him. His favourite topics are fabric, the Caucasus, and radio-controlled cars. Also ask him about the condition OPHLANIFANIASM. He has it.

Mary Mee

Mary comes to us from China. My favourite take-out food! There she acted as senior comptroller for Microsofte development networks. Were you playing close attention? That’s no typo. That’s a uniquely Chinese spelling of Microsoft! Truly fascinating culture.

Mary provided her management oversight to make sure the accounting followed regulatory measures to give the global corporation the proper money it earned in China for Mr. Gates’ next global efforts. Interestingly, after speaking with Mary’s team at Microsofte, I was told no one had ever heard of Bill Gates. Quickly afterward people remained tight-lipped, staring at one another not to speak. It was a great show of respect, I think, to not invoke the name of any single one person as a “leader’. But to emphasize that a team leads.

I think this is a great lesson we can all learn from. A teachable moment! I appear to get credit for our work with a corner office, healthy fashion and food expense account, and company Lotus to drive, but there’s no “I” in team. There is “me”. Me looking at everyone and taking care that our team does the best we can. Me + You = Us.

With Mary on board – we’ll make sure “Us” stays profitable for a good long while. Her favourite number is 9. Please welcome her to the team when you next see her in the hall. Some of her favourite topics include: the colour Green, two-ply toilet paper and Julio Iglesias. I encourage you also to explain to her the vending machine’s been broken a long while, and no one pays for anything. No need to account for it on paper. It’s on “Us”.

Thanks everyone,

Look forward to seeing you at the All-Hands meeting Tuesday with the limbless motivational speaker, Nick Vujicic.

Steel Rogers
New Financial Ventures
Acquisitions & Takeovers

    LIONMIND

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Top five akward missent emails

1. “What are you wearing to the latex party tonight?” – sent to Boss who wasn’t invited.

2. “ I just got the results, I’m not pregnant. Thank Gaawd! Could you imagine how retarded a baby from the other John would be!” – sent to the other John.

3. “I think Francine has the mind of a donkey, the body of a hippo and smells like a sweat-dried baboon”. – sent to Francine.

 4. “Soo glad Joyce and Carl aren’t coming. Steak, steak, burgers and steak!  I’ll be searing bloody animal carcasses all afternoon, baby. Let the killing begin!!” – sent to Carl, a vegan and animal rights activist.

 5. “Kelly Jones. Oh yes, you will be mine. Saddle up”.  sent Reply all to office wide email asking who is attending company off-site.  Intended for one recipient.