Filed under: Advertising | Tags: Cerebral Palsy, Dyslexia, Dyslexia Association of Canada
(Setting – charity dinner for Canadian Cerebral Palsy foundation. Everyone sitting down at tables looking up at a lectern where someone is about to stand up to speak)
GUY SPEAKING: Thank you ladies and gentlemen for joining us this evening.
(He’s oozing confidence. Looking over the crowd, maintaing eye contact, doing everything right that someone who’s had any media training or public speaking training knows)
GUY SPEAKING: As you know, this charity supports a cause that affects a small group of Canadians in a very big way.
Cerebral Parsley is a serious afffliction…
(Cut to woman eating parsely, who upon hearing something strange stops chewing, and you see the parsley hanging out of her mouth).
that prevents Canadians from enjoying fulfilling lives. However, with your help today, research into Cerebral Parsley…
(Cut to audience again, who look at each other, mouthing the word “Parsley”, and pointing to it on their dinner plates – confirming that they aren’t going crazy, and did hear him say it. Guy speaking, unaware of his mistake, gallops along with his speech as if nothing is wrong)
is being conducted to help Canadians with this affliction and future Canadians who also may suffer.
With your donation today, the lives of Cerebal Parsley patients can be improved. Thank you again for attending, and I encourage you to give generously to help those Canadians who live with this disease.
(Guy finishes confident, beaming out at audience. Again, as if he’d said everything right. The crowd is confused, and unsure how to react, so they clap slowly at the end of his speech.)
VOICEOVER: Dyslexia affects 5 million Canadians some of whom aren’t even aware they have it. If you or someone you know suffers from Dyslexia, visit our website: http://www.dyslexiaassociation.ca/english/mandate.shtml to learn how you can help.
This message brought to you by the Canadian Dyslexia Association.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: Funny, Humour, Joke, Laugh, Satire, Tasting note, Wine
TASTING NOTE: This ruby rich delight is packed with mouth-watering sumptuousness with hints of bramble, blackberry, boysenberry, Don Cherry and Frankenberry flourishes. A treat to open tonight with beef testicles or lamb spleen escabeche. Also an ideal companion for manic-depression. Shows promise to last longer than your belief in an afterlife.
TASTING NOTE: Straw yellow colour, reminds of bottles peed in when too lazy to leave the couch. Wafts of apples, pears and armpits on the subway, this one surely won’t disappoint. Break the seal tonight to help you forget you have to repeat the same day tomorrow or save it for next year after you’ve realized anyone can do your job. Good with pork or pancakes, this stunner is ripe for self-medicating any time of day.
TASTING NOTE: Dark as David Fincher, this beauty unwinds waves of hovercraft oil, BDSM dungeon sweat and Fair-trade biodynamic hand-cultivated chocolate from a mountaintop parcel of land in a coastal rainforest. A brooding mistress of devilish wonder – uncork it for a seance tonight or pair it with freshly killed goat from a voodoo ritual. This one will make you wonder what you’re doing with your life.
TASTING NOTE: Medium-bodied garnet with whispers of lavender, tulips and cacti – this one will have you convinced you’re a poet. Don’t kid yourself. Your verses are terrible in comparison with the virtuosity of this Shakespearean dream child. Open it tonight by yourself to commune with the world’s four major religions or create your own religion sharing it with friends. You won’t forget this celestial ejaculation!
TASTING NOTE: A nose of melted plastic, burnt toast and deck shoes worn without socks, this one is a true gift. Every sip brings reminisces of suntanning after a morning of mosquito bites and family conflict. Great for tonight as an accompaniment for anxiety and an uncertain future plus goes remarkably well with the movie Scarface. What are you waiting for? Say hello to your little friend.
Filed under: Uncategorized
He stares at first ad which says:
Global warming is accelerating. Climates once thought to be stable are now increasingly unpredictable. (Show visual of receding glacier)
He stares at second ad which says:
The more these climates change – the smaller our planet becomes.
He stares at the third ad which says:
As the temperature goes up wildlife habitats go down, making it harder for animals to find food.
He stares at fourth ad which says:
By cutting the land we have to share with wildlife, it means there’s less room for all of us.
(Subway bell rings as an alert that the subway door is about to close. Just before it does, a polar bear wanders on the subway car. Everyone turns and screams. Mayhem.)
Camera pans down to ground where the following message appears:
Do your part. Cut down on carbon before it’s too late.
(Finish on screams)
Filed under: culture | Tags: Comedy, Culture, Funny, GQ magazine, Humor, Humour, Journalism, Laugh, Media
Scotch, Watch, Shoes, Expensive car
– GQ in a Haiku
Filed under: culture | Tags: Bus driver, Comedy, Culture, Driving, Funny, Humor, Humour, Jokes, Laugh, Public transit, Toronto