Not an Onion article

Here’s the story:

A man in Barrie, Ontario was killed by a group of teens at a mini-putt course with the sharp, broken end of a golf putter.

Painful.

Now here’s the article, with the family remembering him. This is 100% true. No satire in site.

If I could be so lucky.

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Four funny community courses

I was flipping through a Continuing Education brochure I got in the mail and these four courses caught my eye:

1.

I like the shorthand in the first two questions. It sounds like Yoda speaking a zen koan:

“Improve on life’s most difficult situations you will”.

“Learn to be effective at work and home is certain”.

I also like the admission that it will help make it safe for you to talk about “almost” anything.

This begs a disclaimer:

This course still cannot make Necrophilia, Candle wax play, graphic Harry Potter fantasies or ABBA safe to talk about.  Sorry for any inconvenience.

2.

I didn’t call to verify. But magic seems like no mere metaphor in this course.

And Job from Arrested Development could well be the professor:

“Now class I’ll teach you how to fire someone with flair ”

Approaches student sitting down:

“Well hello John. It would appear you’ve got something big and obvious lingering behind your ear”

Reaches behind ear to pull out a pink piece of paper.

“A pink slip! Well. Thanks for the years John. Let me be the first to say, your pot-luck casserole will be missed.”

3.


Not Turkish? Again! Goddamit!

4.

Reading the last line, followed by the price tag for materials, kinda feels like it sums up what this course provides.

“I’m here to learn master”.

“Hahhah. You just have. You just made stuff happen”

“What?”

“And again!”

“I think I want a refund”

“Now you’re on a roll!”

Extra Extra: Human beings kill!

‘Regular person’ accused of being L.A. serial killer

A conversation with a neighbour of the accused:

“Sure the curmudgeon across the street shoo-ing kids of his lawn. Or the cross-dressing porn star who lights himself on fire in his driveway every night. And even Ms. Merritt who’s saved every newspaper, egg carton and cereal box since 1940.

But this guy cut his grass. I’ve seen him sweat in the sun. He drove a car! He also walked and talked. He ate carrots, I saw that. And celery. Plus he drank water and watched TV! The man even went to the bathroom. And now he kills people? It’s terrifying.”

-Headline from the Toronto Star.

5 words and expressions ready for retirement

1. Douche (bag) (y)

Yes, it’s been fun because there’s something satisfying about saying the middle part of the word – OOOOOO. But I think it’s lost its novelty now that it overwhelms comment boards and conversation for the remotest slight:

That shopkeeper shortchanged me. What a douche.

My dad won’t give me the car. Fuckin’ douche.

But I think another reason to retire “douche” is that it’s a fairly open-ended insult. Calling someone a douche suggests they may redeem themselves in the future. A motherfucker – not so much.

He or she may be an idiot, arrogant, have bad taste in music or be an obnoxious self-promoter, but using douche means you don’t necessarily want to wipe them from the earth.

In many cases, you’ll probably see this person again through work or acquaintances. So, “douche” satisfies as a middle ground insult, enough to distance yourself from the insulted, but not enough to nuke them from your life.

Still, I think if you’re going to insult someone, why not put your back into it?

Consider in place of douche, then, the simple and pointed: Asshole.

A satisfying choice because it says what it means, and can help cross someone off your Christmas card list.

2. Jump the shark

Time may fold on itself, the earth may open into a bottomless sinkhole and you may never know if you had a second shot with Jenny Higgins, if I say this ultimate of paradoxes.

But its gotta be said:

Jump the shark has …. jumped the sharked.

It was inevitable.

Just as an aging baseball player has to face up to his slower bat, weaker knees and shrunken testicles from years of steroids, jump the shark has to go belly up to make way for the next generation. It was fun while it lasted.

I’m a fan of Happy Days, and The Fonz will always be cool, regardless if he jumped over a shark on waterskis or rode a llama down Main street.

So to ring in the death knell of jump the shark, here are three other animal options to replace it:

Kicked the kangaroo McDonald’s kicked the kangaroo after Super Size Me.

Fucked the fish
Axl Rose fucked the fish after his fourth promise and renege of Chinese democracy.

Balled the bear – Adopting African babies, balled the bear after Bruno.

3. By <X>, I mean the complete opposite

Used anytime a writer wants to be self-referential and tell you “I AM SMART! Don’t hold the rest of this article against me”, is now as common as a dandelion. But a gorgeous, inspiring, transcendent beautiful and idyllic one.

By gorgeous, inspiring transcendent beautiful and idyllic, I mean nightmarish and traumatic

4. In situ

Socrates was probably the first guy to use this expression in writing, but 21st century writers have it fully hijacked.

It means – in the place or site of something. For example, viewing the Mona Lisa in situ is much more profound than viewing it on the Internet.

But instead of saying – viewing the Mona Lisa in the Louvre is much more profound…writers can now show you they know Latin, and brag about their latest vocabulary acquisition even though in situ may sound like a deviant sexual act or morbid torture instrument.

Maybe most ironically, in situ accomplishes the complete opposite of what it’s definition intends – it sounds out of place.

5. Curate

In their tireless efforts to create new names for obvious things, marketers have stumbled wholeheartedly on “curate or curator” to now replace the title writer or editor.

Here’s a couple examples from job descriptions:

The media curator will gather and write and reassemble and help us look through all of this information that’s out there, putting a magnifying glass on certain parts of the virtual world and saying, ‘Here’s something to look at.’

A content curator is someonewho continually finds, groups, organizes and shares the best and most relevant content on a specific issue online“.

Rather than just produce words as a writer and collect and organize information for a magazine as an editor, a curator does the exact same thing, but can now appear a lot more culturally relevant whenever someone views their business card.

Crackdown urged on head injuries!

Really. This is an actual headline from the Toronto Star – (I included the picture). One of the online commenters captured it:

“You might want to re-word this headline. Would you write “Burn victims all fired up”

Other potential cringe worthy headlines:

Burn victims incensed!

Lung cancer funding in the black.

Legal victory proves sweet for Diabetes sufferers

Obese enjoy plump new benefits.

Upcoming taxes cripple the disabled.