Caution: beatings ahead


Poseidon and Jesus call bullshit


BP oil spill ship hit by lightning, sparks fire shutting down containment effort

6-story Jesus statue in Ohio struck by lightning

When they were reached for comment:

Poseidon replied: “I decide who shits in my house!”

Jesus said: ” Dude made me look like an asshole. I’m not that stiff.”

My favourite TV channel

I preferred watching my sister watch TV growing up, rather than an actual TV show. Soap operas especially. She would repeat a cycle of six emotions for each soap sequence she watched:

First, alertness and surprise.

Jesus Christ why is Vivian talking to Victor now!!! He sold their baby to Guatemalan guerrillas in exchange for mining rights to oil. Don’t talk to him.

Second, fear.

Oh god, I know something bad is about to happen. I just know Victor’s going to hurt Vivian somehow. Tie your tubes Vivian, save your babies!

At this point her hand would usually go to her bottom lip.

Third, hope and happiness.

Yes Vivian, tell him how deranged his deranged mind is! But whoa. You still love him. Don’t throw it all away. You still have to admit your love, Vivian. Yes, yes tell him now!!!

Fourth, melancholy and sadness.

He doesn’t love her. I can see it. Here it comes, he’s gonna tell her he doesn’t love her.

Fifth, disbelief and suspicion.

Why’s he telling her he loves her? He doesn’t even come close to loving her. I know he doesn’t. Wait a minute  – he’s saying it to use her for something. To go to Guatemala!  Wait, noooo Vivian. He’s going to sell you too. Don’t do it. Stay in Wyoming for god sake.

Sixth, anger.

You sonofabitch Victor. How could you betray your own wife!!! She’s stood by you when you were possessed by the Devil, possessed by a sheep and possessed by an antelope. She even talked you out of a sex change, you bastard!!!

Next comes a commercial break or a new scene. She takes a deep breath, resets her expectations, and the cycle begins again.

Endless entertainment.

Extra Extra: Rat-filled burgers bad for you!

This bold copy appeared as part of this Globe and Mail article intended to alert buyers of Polish sausages in Toronto:

The public should beware of buying Polish sausages with needles embedded in them, police said Monday.

Good advice. Other helpful advice left out of the article:

Avoid petting a hissing cobra.

Don’t play hopscotch on a major Queensway or Highway interchange.

Avoid bringing a toy gun or plastic bomb through airport security.

Do not consume any dark brown curly objects found in public. They’re not chocolate bars.

Do not stuff raw steak and fisheads into your wetsuit before diving in waters with any history of a shark.

Oh this post. Tag it under Life

I think Seinfeld said it about Life cereal – “To call  it Life. It’s a bit arrogant isn’t it?”.

So, I thought tagging a post with Life, unless it’s about a near death experience, the birth of something or the study of living things – kind of defeats the purpose.

Since the point of blogs is to discuss, that big, amorphous term – Life – doesn’t it go without saying a post, of whatever sort:

“I had a funny conversation with my neighbour today…” –

“Pissed me off. I got a flat tire when I was racing home to take a leak…”

“My dog had a litter of seven puppies today and I thought I’d name them after the seven deadly sins”..

…is ultimately about “life”.

It’s the equivalent of tagging your post Blog.