On the funny side of the street


Fashion photographer mistakes G20 for avant-garde fashion show
June 30, 2010, 5:06 pm
Filed under: culture, Humour | Tags: , , , , , , ,

“Did you go to Gaultier’s 20th anniversary show in Toronto this past weekend?”, photographer asks his friend.

 “What?”, his friend replies.

 “It was transcendent! The anarchist uniform was shocking in its simplicity, and the  shattered glass and burning cop cars were spectacular. It was light years ahead of anything I’ve seen in fashion. They must have had top Hollywood talent working on special effects“

 “That wasn’t special effects”, his friend replies. 

“I know, it seemed almost too real. But, before I gush too much, I have to say – I am really let down by the cops. It’s disgraceful how they paraded around like they did. Horrific, if you want the truth.

 “You mean how they treated peaceful protesters?”, his friend asks.

 “No,- I mean they’re not models! They’re pudgy, pockmarked and waddle around like they’re suffering from haemorrhoids. I would never put these people on the frontline of an urban fashion show. My god! It’s downright irresponsible.

 “What?”, his friend says.

“I’m just being honest. And while I’m on it, the protesters didn’t make a very good frame either. Unkempt facial hair and mismanaged style, trying to blend fashion eras that are meant to be segregated like fighting children.

 I mean, it’s like mating a koala and a kangaroo. Yes, they’re in the same country and cute in their own way– but a koala with a pouch and kangaroo living in a tree? It’s terrifying.

 “What the hell are you talking about”, his friend says.

 “I know I’m rambling. The point is -the show was a revelation. Get ready for a runway assault this coming fall. Revolution is in the air”.

 “You’re a lunatic”

 “Wait ‘till fall and you’ll call me a genius”



Powder room? Urination station!
May 31, 2010, 2:51 pm
Filed under: culture, Humour, Opinion | Tags: , , , , , ,

I think it’s funny that we still call two piece bathrooms – Powder rooms as if we’re living  in Victorian times and must speak in euphemisms:

“Good sir. Could you tell a Lady where she could, Ahem (clears throat),  powder her nose”

2010 translation:

“John. Where’s the bathroom (wiping sweat from forehead), I have diarrhea.”

Possible names to replace powder room:

Poo closet

Pee suite

Waste dump

Urination station

The in-house



Story anarchy
May 27, 2010, 8:30 am
Filed under: Funny, Humour | Tags: , , , , ,

I think it’s funny when someone starts to tell you a story, but  gets sidetracked with details that have nothing to do with their story, and end up confusing themselves and everyone listening:

“I gotta tell you about my night out last night. I got in from work around 6 or so.

The traffic was just crazy. Things were just all backed up on the Queensway, and one guy next to me was playing “Fight for your right to party” super loud. The Beastie Boys song. It was actually a pretty funny song to hear, considering the circumstances we were in.

I heard the traffic guy on the radio, saying things would be backed up for an hour or more. I thought, an hour. Jesus. What would I make for dinner? I hadn’t got anything in the fridge and had no idea what I would end up doing. Fish maybe – I know it’s good for you, and I should really eat more of it. I’m eating too much red meat right now. I just can’t help it. I loooovee burgers. And steak. And well, anything red meat.

But I’d go for fish. I really like that fish that looks and tastes like trout. Something…far…har. From the arctic. Bar.

No, no. Arctic char. That’s it. Mind you I didn’t get it. I went with Tilapia. Good fish too, and bit cheaper. Thought I’d save my money.

It was packed at the supermarket too. I got what I needed – fish, whole wheat couscous and some salad.

I finally got home around 6 or so. It was nuts. How was your night?”

“I thought you said you went out last night?”.

“Oh yeah…ooops I totally forgot. Yeah let me tell you…..



Top five funny hello flubs
May 21, 2010, 8:33 am
Filed under: Funny, Humour | Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I think it’s funny when people screw up the hello exchange. My favourites:

1.  “Hey, how’s it going?”  “Not much”

2. “What’s new?”  “Good”.

3. “This is Joan.” “Hi Joan, nice to meet you” “Fine and you?”

4. “How are you?” “Yeah”

5.  “Hi there.” “Good thanks”.



Montreal. Year: 2010, post Stanley Cup victory.
May 14, 2010, 8:30 am
Filed under: Canada, culture, Humour | Tags: , , , , , , ,



Top 5 funny things to do at a laundromat
May 13, 2010, 12:43 pm
Filed under: Funny, Humour, Laugh, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , ,

1. Bring in a bundle of sheets with chicken bones inside it. Release the sheets and when the bones come out on the floor say:

“Fluffy!!! Noooo. Why didn’t you tell me you were in there!!”

2. Show up with what looks like bloodstained bedsheets, a shirt and a pair of jeans. Hold them up to show holes, which look like bullet holes. Ask someone: 

“Can I use this washer. I’m in a bit of a hurry.!”

3. Bring in an old lady and say:

“Excuse me is your washer taken. My grandmother needs a bath, and our plumbing’s out.”

4. Bring in a dish rack with dirty dishes and say:

“Oh, I won’t be a minute. I just need the extra force of the washer to get off this lasagna.”

5. Start piling the following things out of your pockets in plain view:

grainy Polaroid shots of someone in underwear, handcuffs, a whip, a rubber chicken, a rubber gerbil, pills, a ball gag, brass knuckles, nunchucks and a copy of 7 habits of highly effective people.



Top 5 funny things to say at a urinal next to someone
May 7, 2010, 12:15 pm
Filed under: culture, Funny, Humour | Tags: , , , , ,

  1. “My God, it’s small”, while looking down at yourself.
  2. Put both hands on the wall above the urinal and sing “Cops” theme song as you go.
  3. “It’s ridiculous. We really should spend more time together”, while looking down at yourself.
  4. “Uh oh! What does it mean when things turn kinda purplish-green?”
  5. “They’re off! He’s strong out of the gates with 3 cups of coffee behind him, which should give him the finish he wants. His competitor is weaker off the line, with what looks like 1 cup of coffee a tiny celery stick, and hmmm…maybe, a small piece of watermelon backing him.”


Elevator conversation
May 6, 2010, 8:38 am
Filed under: Funny, Humour | Tags: , , , , , ,

I’m in the elevator by myself this afternoon, and someone steps in a few floors below me on the way to the lobby. I look up from my phone to see who’s coming in, even though there’s a 99% chance I won’t know them, and they won’t know me. But it’s more reflex to see who I’ll be sharing an elevator with – prim and proper businessman or flesh eating yeti?

Businessman.

I continue playing with an app on my phone as he goes about his thing. Neither one of us speaks to the other or makes any gesture to start.

Now one floor from the lobby his phone rings, which immediately I think is funny, because along with the ring it also has a computerized voice saying:

INCOMING CALL. INCOMING CALL.

A ringing phone is no longer sign enough?

Ring. Ring.

“I’ll get it hon” . “Whoa, whoa, whoa. We have no idea what this could be. Let’s just wait for the voice”.

Now the funnier part.  The man in the elevator turns to his side, looks at me earnestly and says:

“Excuse me” – as in, I’m going to answer my phone now, which he does and launches into a conversation.

I looked at him puzzled. Had we just been in the middle of talking about a big merger? Trouble his daughter’s having at school? Our shared belief in eating oatmeal to start the day?

He was already comfortably involved in his conversation by the time I understood what his words meant.

So, he wasn’t looking for my assent. But asking for permission to break the silence?

“Excuse me Buddha master. “
“Why do you talk now and betray your committed meditation!!!!”
“I am about to fart”.




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