On the funny side of the street


Five funny wine tasting notes
April 7, 2013, 3:57 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , ,

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#1

TASTING NOTE: This ruby rich delight is packed with mouth-watering sumptuousness with hints of bramble, blackberry, boysenberry, Don Cherry and Frankenberry flourishes. A treat to open tonight with beef testicles or lamb spleen escabeche. Also an ideal companion for manic-depression. Shows promise to last longer than your belief in an afterlife.  

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#2

TASTING NOTE: Straw yellow colour, reminds of bottles peed in when too lazy to leave the couch. Wafts of apples, pears and armpits on the subway, this one surely won’t disappoint. Break the seal tonight to help you forget you have to repeat the same day tomorrow or save it for next year after you’ve realized anyone can do your job. Good with pork or pancakes, this stunner is ripe for self-medicating any time of day.

 

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#3

TASTING NOTE: Dark as David Fincher, this beauty unwinds waves of hovercraft oil, BDSM dungeon sweat and Fair-trade biodynamic hand-cultivated chocolate from a mountaintop parcel of land in a coastal rainforest. A brooding mistress of devilish wonder – uncork it for a seance tonight or pair it with freshly killed goat from a voodoo ritual. This one will make you wonder what you’re doing with your life.

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#4

TASTING NOTE: Medium-bodied garnet with whispers of lavender, tulips and cacti – this one will have you convinced you’re a poet. Don’t kid yourself. Your verses are terrible in comparison with the virtuosity of this Shakespearean dream child. Open it tonight by yourself to commune with the world’s four major religions or create your own religion sharing it with friends. You won’t forget this celestial ejaculation!

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#5

TASTING NOTE: A nose of melted plastic, burnt toast and deck shoes worn without socks, this one is a true gift. Every sip brings reminisces of suntanning after a morning of mosquito bites and family conflict. Great for tonight as an accompaniment for anxiety and an uncertain future plus goes remarkably well with the movie Scarface. What are you waiting for? Say hello to your little friend.



Global Warming TV Ad
July 28, 2012, 11:38 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized


(OPEN on a packed subway. Focus on guy holding subway bar and reading subway ads above him)

He stares at first ad which says:

Global warming is accelerating. Climates once thought to be stable are now increasingly unpredictable. (Show visual of receding glacier)

He stares at second ad which says:

The more these climates change – the smaller our planet becomes.

He stares at the third ad which says:

As the temperature goes up wildlife habitats go down, making it harder for animals to find food.

He stares at fourth ad which says:

By cutting the land we have to share with wildlife, it means there’s less room for all of us.

(Subway bell rings as an alert that the subway door is about to close. Just before it does, a polar bear wanders on the subway car. Everyone turns and screams. Mayhem.)

Camera pans down to ground where the following message appears:

Do your part. Cut down on carbon before it’s too late.

(Finish on screams)



Saturday
April 21, 2012, 12:17 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

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GQ haiku
January 23, 2012, 10:53 pm
Filed under: culture | Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Half-naked woman

Scotch, Watch, Shoes, Expensive car

Suit-wearing celeb

- GQ in a Haiku



Fun with in-flight magazine
October 15, 2011, 10:09 am
Filed under: culture | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Last night I was on a 5 hr flight, and in-between reading my book, thought I’d add my comments to ads and pictures in the airline’s in-flight magazine.

Here are my thoughts, which I left behind for the next passenger to read:

1.

Circled main image with link to this copy:

Looks like an angel made of meat. Saint LaBoeuf!

2.

Copy linked to woman in bed:

All these damn COMPUTER SCREENS!

3.

Copy linked to raccoon:

Don’t be fooled by my fizzy drink and crewneck. I’ll be eating your garbage tonight!

4.

Copy linked to guy climbing rock wall:

I’ve always wanted to climb a rock on a cruise ship!

5.

Copy in painting: BEFORE

Copy next to guy: AFTER

6.

Copy linked to guy:

Yes, you’re floating in thin air. Just read the paper! Don’t look down. Don’t look sideways. It’ll be over soon. Read the paper!

7.

Copy linked to duck:

Look! Daffy Duck’s an asshole. Howard the Duck? Nice guy. That’s just how it is.

8.

Copy:

Wow. I’m a terrible draw-er. Supposed to be skull and crossbones flag. But looks like constipated John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever.

9.

Copy next to raccoon:

Noooo! Blue round thing is the Earth. Red round things is an apple. Earth. Apple. Got it?



Five new public transit destinations
October 1, 2011, 3:47 pm
Filed under: culture | Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

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Finance manager email to welcome two new recruits
September 29, 2011, 9:17 pm
Filed under: culture | Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

To the Finance team,

Good afternoon, everyone. It’s been a fantastic morning. The market’s are a little unsteady. But not our tastebuds!  Terrific muffins from Carla who baked them at home. I’ve never had a cider vinegar, squash, sundried tomato, olive, brie cheese, cranberry, pineapple bran muffin before. I hope it sat well with you all.

Anyhow, I’d like to take a couple minutes to introduce two new additions to our team:

Jerry Mander



Jerry arrives on our shores from Tonga – a small island nation in the South Pacific. There he taught local fishermen how to establish a fishing economy of scale by bringing in trawlers and doing-away with simple pole-fishing using a single net. Incredible foresight! His favourite fish is a manta ray, which I’m told is not a fish, but comes from the species: ray.

Once he helped streamline the fishing industry, he set his sights on the Internet. Something, I think we’ve all had a look at.

Seeing an opportunity for website addresses he created the standard end of a website address as. GA based on “Tonga’s” last two letters. To give you an example, under Jerry’s web address, amazon.com would no longer be that. It would be amazon.ga. Currently it is not catching on in the market. But what innovation! Jerry’s favourite website is: realdoll.com (NSFW).

I’m very pleased to welcome Jerry to our growing banking group. He’s a great asset and, in him, we expect to yield an exceptionally profitable return on our investment! Please welcome him to the team when you see him. His favourite topics are fabric, the Caucasus, and radio-controlled cars. Also ask him about the condition OPHLANIFANIASM. He has it.

Mary Mee

Mary comes to us from China. My favourite take-out food! There she acted as senior comptroller for Microsofte development networks. Were you playing close attention? That’s no typo. That’s a uniquely Chinese spelling of Microsoft! Truly fascinating culture.

Mary provided her management oversight to make sure the accounting followed regulatory measures to give the global corporation the proper money it earned in China for Mr. Gates’ next global efforts. Interestingly, after speaking with Mary’s team at Microsofte, I was told no one had ever heard of Bill Gates. Quickly afterward people remained tight-lipped, staring at one another not to speak. It was a great show of respect, I think, to not invoke the name of any single one person as a “leader’. But to emphasize that a team leads.

I think this is a great lesson we can all learn from. A teachable moment! I appear to get credit for our work with a corner office, healthy fashion and food expense account, and company Lotus to drive, but there’s no “I” in team. There is “me”. Me looking at everyone and taking care that our team does the best we can. Me + You = Us.

With Mary on board – we’ll make sure “Us” stays profitable for a good long while. Her favourite number is 9. Please welcome her to the team when you next see her in the hall. Some of her favourite topics include: the colour Green, two-ply toilet paper and Julio Iglesias. I encourage you also to explain to her the vending machine’s been broken a long while, and no one pays for anything. No need to account for it on paper. It’s on “Us”.

Thanks everyone,

Look forward to seeing you at the All-Hands meeting Tuesday with the limbless motivational speaker, Nick Vujicic.

Steel Rogers
New Financial Ventures
Acquisitions & Takeovers

    LIONMIND




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